Redefining family after baby gender disappointment

They sit across from me waiting anxiously, eager to play cars, trains, superheroes, or ninja turtles.

Boys. My destiny. I’m learning to embrace this. Honestly, it hasn’t come easily. My parent’s closet still has my American Girl Doll neatly packed waiting for my daughter to play with. There also sits my dollhouse my grandfather made for me and all the adorable little mini people and furniture that go inside all boxed waiting for my daughter’s hands to carefully take them out. Only my daughter doesn’t exist.

5.5 years ago my vision of my family changed when we found out we were expecting our 2nd little boy. I had always wanted 4 children but had never really thought much past the first being a boy and the second being a girl. When I wrote about having baby gender disappointment  I experienced during pregnancy (and even for several years after) 4 years ago I had no idea there were so many people that shared similar feelings. Since then it has been the most commonly viewed post on my blog.

I spent 3 years after the birth of our second son wondering if my desire for a girl would ever be overtaken by the desire to simply have another baby no matter the gender. Three long, embarrassing years riddled with ugly emotions of self-pity, anger, disappointment, jealousy and guilt over feeling all of those things especially when there are so many women that would do anything just to have a baby. I would see friends with their daughters heading off to dance class with leotards, tights and ballet shoes in tow and my inner core would ache with such intensity that I was sure I was going to spill my insides. I would sob whenever I thought of all the things I did with my mom that I would never have a chance to do with my daughter. And my heart would hurt when I thought of the father-daughter moments my husband would never have. All the while desperately trying to fill my role as a mom to little boys. But as the months and years passed I found God changing and reshaping my heart. I began embracing being a boy mom. I would be completely lying though if I said the longing was gone, but it finally reached a point where I was ready for a baby…boy or girl.

Good thing because an adorable, wonderful, happy, light of our lives baby boy joined our family. Yes, that made boy number 3. Initially, when we found out that we were expecting boy #3 I could feel some of the same emotions creeping back in. It wasn’t until a dear friend of mine wrote

“I believe that raising a boy to become a good man, today, is such an incredibly important task. God wisely chooses special people to get that privilege. And now that I have a daughter, I’m praying for parents like you to have boys, so that someday Paisley will be loved well by one of them. Congratulations.”

that I realized what I gift I have.

Though I often don’t know what I’m doing with boys and it certainly isn’t what comes naturally I’ve been redefining what family looks like and redefining my role. Of course, I am mom. But more importantly, I am mom to 3 wonderful boys. And of course we are family. But our family is not your 2.5 kids: one boy, one girl, and a dog. We’re creating another mold in which to fit.  Something I’ve realized is that little (and big) boys need their mommies just as much as little girls. And though our relationship will tweak and change as they grow who is to say that I can’t have the same relationship with my sons that I do with my mom? Raising these boys to be great men is going to be a challenge, but one that I am embracing. My husband and I hope to teach them how to treat a lady, to be sensitive yet strong, and most importantly teach them that our love for them is fierce.

And let me tell you…Brothers? The bond there is strong. Best of friends, worst of enemies but at the end of the day when they’ve “secretly” crawled in to bed next to one another and fallen asleep it completely melts my heart.

Redefining family

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Dealing with Gender DisappointmentAnd please, when you see someone with all the same gender, don’t assume we’re trying for the opposite gender. Maybe we are and maybe we aren’t. Just know that we’re redefining family.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts on baby gender disappointment …both good and bad! Please follow me on Facebook 

To see the original post on dealing with Baby Gender Disappointment when you’re disappointed with your baby’s gender check out the following link:

Transparencies of Motherhood: Baby Gender Disappointment 

5 Comments on “Redefining family after baby gender disappointment

  1.  by  Amber

    Reading his made me cry! I just found out I’m expecting boy number 3. I’ve literally been crying ever since the ultrasound yesterday afternoon. I feel emptiness and sort of loss of never being able to experience the mother daughter bond! I feel anger and resentment towards my SA and it’s been a little hard for me to express love to my other 2 boys. I love them and do not regret them I just feel very disappointed. I feel major guilt for feeling this way. I feel like I’m being selfish but I can’t control these feelings. I know it’s all about the health of the baby but I just can’t seem to shake these feelings. Since the US I’ve been feeling the baby move a lot, I would usually get excited but I find myself becoming annoyed. Please help! I think I’m going through pre partal depression, if there’s such a thing.

  2.  by  Megan

    I too have moments of feeling emptiness and despair at times. And I soo desperately wish that every time some one sees me holding a baby that they would not ask me when we are going to have another or say that’s what you need, you need a girl. Maybe I do need a girl and maybe I don’t, that’s for God to decide. I selfishly however want one in the worst way. I laugh it off with my closest friends b/c I grew up as one of the boys what would I do with a girl anyway? I’ll tell you…. I would play ball with her and teach her how to be a strong, independent woman. My husband tells me of the disappointment that he saw on my face the day my second son was born (we did not find out the gender of either of our boys), I tell him it wasn’t disappointment it was exhaustion although I think he’s right a part of me was “broken” when the doctor said it’s a boy. I love my sons with all my being and wouldn’t trade one second of being their mom. I’m just glad to read this post and see that maybe my feelings are normal and I’m not the worst mother in the world for having these feelings. Thank You

  3.  by  Kate

    4 boys for me. I cried harder each time I found out it was a boy. Devastated is not a strong enough word. I am doing everything I can to make sure they are happy and have everything they need, but I’m dying a little bit with every car, dinosaur, train etc. I have to face. My friends all have little girls, they are off to dance, they do spa days, they accessorize. I just try to make it through each day, then I cry myself to sleep and do it all over again. No one knows how utterly miserable I am.

  4.  by  Amy

    I just found in having boy #3 and have been hauled up in bed crying all day. We tried for 4 years to conceive after countless prayers. And all those prayers were for a baby girl. I felt God knew the desire of my heart and grant it….

    But not the case. We didn’t really want another kid, we tried for a girl and got a boy. My boys are 8 and 9 and now due in Feb 2017. Starting over to do a boy again is just sickening. I just don’t want to do it at all….

    Just sad. Thanks for your posts and when I am up for it I will be drafting my own goodbye letter to the daughter I will never have.

    Oh and my 2 sisters all only have boys too, everyone was rooting for this one to be a girl which is even more disappointing.

    •  by  Renee

      I hear you Amy. I have 3 boys and of course love them to pieces, but it’s been a hard adjustment. Some days I’m fine, others not so much. My SIL had a girl and it was like a knife through the heart. I feel like there’s no one to talk to who understands.

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